So, since Botcon and some events that took place, I've been sitting back and thinking to myself. Asking myself many questions and trying to find the answers to them in my solitaire life of existence and in my solitude type of style of living.

Anyone who knows me, knows I can be very friendly, kind, generous(sometimes to much so), and always trying to find ways to help. I can also be rather snobbish, self-centered, and a bit of a loud-mouth.
I don't believe in lying and I believe in honesty. So I sometimes tend to say more then what i should and perhaps have lack of tact.
However this really isn't about that-- and in some regard it is..

Ya see, twice-- twice in my life I've been told, 'I love you', by two guys over a spand of four years. One of them told me he was sorry, knew what he did was wrong to me, and I forgave him--
The other.. sadly, I had a feeling what the answer was and kept trying to convene myself it wouldn't come to that answer. Though while I was there, trying to convene myself, I honestly didn't care about him-- which was a lie, or I wouldn't have been so willing to follow him around like a puppy-dog.
Then on the last day, I sat back alone, telling myself, "..you so screwed this up, it ain't gonna happen, because it never does. You can be hopeful and keep trying, but its going to fail."
Those words echoed-- and they came true.

Actually, that is a common trace in my life, you see-- I somehow /know/ when something like that is gonna happen, or something bad is gonna happen to someone. Its like a ultra six-sense of danger. I knew when my friend's boyfriends were trouble and was right.
I knew when a friend was in trouble or danger-- was right then too or it was leading to them being in trouble..
I even know when my hopes over something is going to be crush--
Its a blessing-- and a curse. I sit back and beg for someone to prove my expiations wrong. For someone to look at me when I'm thinking, "Its going to fail." and do the complete opposite.

So I'm complaining a bit here, but getting this off my chest still-- so.. bare with me ok? You could always stop reading I suppose, haha.

Now, here comes down to this wonderful scenario running in my head. If I have all these guy friends-- and several guys who say, 'Your great, I would so date you if I met ya face to face.' Or, 'I think your beautiful.', which is mostly based on Personality-- is there something about my physical form that seems to make guys back away?
I'm a tomboy for one thing, I'm also heavily defensive in my stances and how I hold myself. So-- perhaps I just send a signal that says, 'Leave me the F alone'? Really, give me a bone here people who /do/ know me or have meet me!
Just bugs me, ya know? Where apparently everyone loves your personality but doesn't like the way you look-- or something. I have no clue--
I'm not good at the 'game', people play in relationships. I don't understand it, I don't get it.. I have parents that were high school sweet-hearts, got married at 18, and still are married at 52. I don't have an example of 'bad love' in my house-hold, not by parents or grandparents anyhow.

I really shouldn't worry about stuff like this, but after awhile, it grinds on ya and for awhile there, I didn't care. But something comes up and you get reminded. You get reminded that something about your age group and you don't see eye and eye.
That your old fashioned---

Like my boss told me once, "Guys like to have 'fun' with there girls, ya know-- test out the car before they buy it."
which had me giving him a look of, "Do I look like a car to you? Heck no!"

Perhaps that is the other reason, my morals and ethics are so far out there from most people I have met. I don't believe in sex before marriage, I believe that is to be held for a married couple.
I don't believe in divorce, though I know some people whom have, and I ain't gonna argue with them, there life and all(same to those whom have had sex before marriage, your life).
I also don't believe in abortion either...

I was raised under Christian biblical morals and beliefs, many which today have been dismissed, because it isn't part of the 'modern' world-- whatever..

I figure, even with maybe some hope of a few guys, that unless something happens here in the wonderful world of 'reality', I'm always gonna be a single girl who has her family and friends to keep her company. Her dreams to push her on, and only her imagination to hold a 'lover' close.
Sad state huh?

Oh, but don't worry-- give me a few days and I'll be wondering why I even wrote this!